affirmative

4.4
affirmative

whether it’s the love for new vegetables or a different attitude towards what we put in our bodies and how it works within us.

I was in a pretty dark place the past few weeks, specifically with regard to adoption. Maybe dark is the wrong word. I was in a dimly-lit place. And there was pointy furniture everywhere that I kept ramming my shins into. Maybe there scary noises involved. My point: I was overwhelmed and not the most positive person. We had met with two agencies (one domestic, one international) and were no closer to deciding how to go about procuring a baby as when we first began.

And the money! And the time! I felt so outnumbered by the variety of factors that stood in our way. Should we sign with an agency? Should we adopt from Korea? Should we just wait a little longer to see if Jason’s sperm comes back? Is that a viable option or am I just in denial? Pregnancy had to be better than what we were going through. I could barely talk about adoption without dissolving into a puddle of tears.

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Then I met Alyson. Our meeting was spontaneous and random, and we crammed more adoption talk into five minutes than I’ve ever talked about with my friends. She got what I was going through–all the frustration and negative feelings and high hopes–and it was a relief to not have to explain everything. It felt kind of affirming, like I was supposed to meet this woman for whatever reason.

I still get asked how adoption is going, and the answer is that there is no answer. We’re still in a holding pattern: waiting to choose an agency, saving money in the mean time. In the same breath, we’re enjoying our child-free lives. I will never take these days for granted. As much as I want to have children, I know that we’re not meant to have them right now. And that’s becoming more and more okay every day.

Maybe we can. I’m not saying that this Whole30 is the answer, but right now I don’t have a better idea. I know that nutrition is linked to health and is far more intertwined than we realize, and I’ve read a lot about what people have said about this program and decided that it was worth trying. If, in thirty days, we hate our lives, then fine. We’re no worse for the wear. But hopefully, we’ll both be able to take something away from this,

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