Stop trying to control how I breathe! Its okay to be angry sometimes, Mama!
It is totally ok if being a mother makes you feel angry sometimes, even if you're a good mother, you still have your limits and baggage to process...
Introductory photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash
In this article "How to overcome the challenging physical symptoms of spiritual growth" (a work in progress), I talk about the release of toxins, trauma, and emotional baggage. What I didn't realize is that some of this is physical (like the release of phlegm) and some of it is emotional (like getting easily angry and irritated, and needing to express this).
I actually should credit Erica Tickle for her amazing idea to have a place on the side of the highway, where people on their way home from work could stop and release their anger in a safe and socially acceptable way.
This article came to me as I was very frustrated with my husband who didn't want to get rid of a heavy old chest of drawers, because it was part of a set his mom has at her house that his younger brother used to use. And I was like "I don't care! I want it out, I need to make space for myself! I'll take an ax to it to get it down the stairs in pieces, if I have to!"
Sometimes we need to let the rage out - in actions or in words
Photo by Dan Edwards on Unsplash
Would I really do this? No! But it is interesting to explore what is underneath.
I have also been really bothered by my kids lately, and one of the major components of my business is called Support Their Light - A service for parents with sensitive kids. What a hypocrite, I must be?!
But, if you look at my upbringing: I was abused and had no closure, support, or space for myself. When I showed anger about this, I was told "I am just like the person who abused me!" This led me to turn the anger on myself (and become suicidal for years), instead of expressing it outwardly.
As a result, I developed a varicose vein in my first pregnancy, and I recently was concerned about getting vaginal hemorrhoids if I sat on the toilet for too long in my third pregnancy. (Thankfully I didn't, because of what I learned while writing this article!)
Varicose veins are common in pregnancy but the medical community doesn't know why some people are affected and some are not.
According to Messages from the Body...
Varicose veins are about:
- "love is a poison apple"
- deep emotional conflict about nourishing oneself and letting love in
- feeling like the surrounding resources are not available to meet their needs, and
- a distrust of love that is causing big problems in their life.
Hemorrhoids are about:
- being terrified of rejection, retaliation, and remorse over their actions
- feeling overburdened - like "the buck always stops with me, I have to rise to the challenge, I can't say no"
Vaginal problems are about:
- feeling not good enough
- not trusting feminine receptivity
- not being able to surrender, and
- "tripod rage" - an urge to kick anything with 3 legs, or who is trying to control them
With this list above, is it any wonder why these are common symptoms many women experience in pregnancy?
Given they are about to bring another person into their life, who will probably need them quite intensely for a while. When, maybe, their own needs and limits have still not been met or respected?
And what do we do about this?
We process these emotions, using spiritual understanding and Divine Healing.
These physical symptoms are merely a sign that something is coming up to be healed, and if you address it promptly, the early symptoms do not have to progress into a full-fledged outbreak, which is harder to heal.
For me, I won't dare do any surgery on my varicose vein unless it is absolutely needed and until I have found a way to process my anger, or it is just going to come back, as it does for most people, within 5-10yrs.
Rather than judging my varicose vein as ugly, I am sending it love and thanking it for letting me know what carrying this anger inside of me has been doing to me.
And why the anger about being told how to breathe?
Just let me breathe!!
Photo by Eli DeFaria on Unsplash
I have always had on and off issues with breath, pain in my lungs at the top of my breath, and sinus problems.
Congestion is another very common symptom in pregnancy, one that I was only able to clear in my 3rd pregnancy.
Again, according to Messages from the Body...
Shallow breathing, is about:
- intense inner suppression, and
- being afraid to live life fully.
Difficulty breathing, is about:
- feeling unsafe in the world, so they don't dare live fully or freely,
- "love is a poison apple" that leads them to be harmed in some way,
- feeling like they have no right to exist, expect nurturance, support, or love, and
- having a lot of resentment over being over-worked, because they are always trying to seek parental approval, which never comes
And, lung problems are about:
- barking up the wrong tree
- getting into passionate commitments that lead nowhere
- always trying to rescue others from their self-defeating patterns
- chronic grief and depression, out of fear to take in life energy and live fully, for fear of unworthiness of acceptance and approval, and
- suppression of self, either feeling guilty for their needs or denying them completely
Again, is it a surprise to any moms out there why having problems breathing is a symptom that often comes up in pregnancy?
I can breathe now. My lungs no longer hurt at the top of my breath. My sinuses are no longer congested.
But don't anyone dare tell me how to breathe! I know you may mean well, and that breathing can bring healing and relaxation. But, for me, its a trigger. And simply having the ability to breathe, without obstruction or pain is all I seek at this time.
Again, the way to heal problems like this is through:
- spiritual counselling,
- seeing the bigger picture,
- normalizing one's experience,
- allowing the fall-out, emotions, pain, mistakes, and imperfections to occur, and
- letting go.
For the sake of yourself, and your kids.
You deserve your time to heal and to be loved and supported!
Photo by Ana Francisconi on Unsplash
This is what I think conscious parenting author Dr Shefali Tsabary is trying to get at when she encourages parents to look at themselves.
But, from a distance, Dr Shefali seems to lack the love and ability to access and normalize each person's unique energetic make-up, needs, and life lessons. So her work (to me) feels more like an insult to parents, than a supportive, understanding, helping hand. I am not sure why the general public is eager to eat up and accept her judgments, maybe this is because they are used to being mistreated, or maybe because they feel it gives them permission to give up, as everyone else is doing it.
But, in order to truly heal, love, and accept themselves again, I think parents need to work with someone who can truly understand and show them it is OK to be where they are at, and that there is also another way to be, should they want to make this shift.
Just like it is critical to process and release trauma fully, see Somatic Experiencing, it is also critical to allow and release anger and pain.
If this is something you think you could benefit from:
Full acceptance for who you are and how you parent, so you can shift to heal and become a better person, with as much patience as you need in order to get there, feel free to reach out for a free, no obligation, 15min consultation, here.
Love and Bless, Strong Family!
Family Dynamics and Life Purpose Specialist
MSc Psychology/Neuroscience (Stress & Health)