Oh no, not another bandaid!
Sometimes life is messy. How to support true healing, show unconditional love and acceptance, treat the underlying cause, and find forgiveness.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
My daughter, like many 2/3yr olds, likes to put bandaids on all the time, even if there is no cut or even a mild incident. And I wonder, is she trying to tell me something?
I was gifted with a son who experiences a lot of anger, frustration, and dis-empowerment from others. He often turns to me to support him through his emotions. It is not always easy, but we are in it and learning together.
Recently I had a client come to me who was frustrated by her daughter's messy room. In our time together my client was able to come to the conclusion that maybe her daughter makes a mess in her room to express how she feels about her life. To this I added, because we both know how sensitive she is to her environment (by her mother's personal experience, and written in her Soul Contract and Human Design), maybe the mess in her room is her way of creating a pain for herself that can help drown out the pain she feels about her life. This possibility resonated with my client. And reminds me of my own experience as a teenager, when I used to cut my wrists to try to release the pain I felt in my veins. And we both agreed, it was better for her daughter to destroy her room, than to destroy herself.
I've been doing a lot of Radical Forgiveness lately. And, as much as I have forgiven, I am still working on it. I can be very good at finding the spiritual meaning. But accessing the human emotions, for me, can be hard.
When I was about 12-14yrs old, we lived with a step father who was physically, psychologically, and sexually abusive, and he did it in the most insidious way, using my own insecurities as a way to push the boundaries, that I may have otherwise been able to hold firm. This is why I am so adamant about never forcing kids to do anything. It is a slippery slope when you start to take away their right to say NO.
In any case. When the abuse was going on in the home, I was simultaneously trying to get help and trying to attract the brunt of the abuse to protect and distract my stepfather from going after my younger sister. When I eventually did get rid of him, there was no support for me to process what happened. Just mockery and blame. And when I punched a wall, out of frustration and anger, I was labelled as: "you're just like your step father!". And those words certainly stopped the outward expression of anger and the punching of walls, but instead I turned the anger inward and started cutting my wrists and overdosing on pills, without really knowing why. But now I realize I must have thought: 1) I give up, I can't continue this mission, no one cares about me, it's too painful, and 2) if I am the problem, I will destroy myself. This behaviour, of course, as is common for kids and teens who cut themselves, earned me the label of: "she's just trying to get attention". Yes, maybe, but that label and walking away, like many other labels, was not helpful, or a solution.
On a lighter note, I also remember many times where cleaning my room, closet, bookshelf, drawers, or desk, resulted in an explosion of mess, and lots of reminiscing and processing of old memories (what to keep, what to throw away). It would often have me up late at night, still going through everything, and sometimes having to leave my room in a partial mess until morning. (Maybe this explains my common bouts of insomnia). And I remember comments like "this doesn't look like you're cleaning your room?". I'm sure we've all been there at some point.
Sometimes life needs to get a little messy
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All I am trying to say is: life can be messy, people can get angry, sometimes it has to come out, bandaids are just bandaids, life isn't all roses, sugar, and sunshine, pretty positive statements or negative labels, and it is very unhealthy to expect this from yourself or your kids.
Some of the many gifts of Human Design and Soul Contract include; understanding why you have the experiences that you do, how your negative emotions are triggered, how to diffuse your negative emotions when you are caught up in them, how to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and how to support your kids through this process, which allows you to have more compassion, as well as specific strategies to work towards claiming the gifts from the bad situations, which can later be shared with others.
Life is so much deeper, richer, messier, and more meaningful than sunshine, rainbows, pretty colours, perfect hair/clothes, made up faces, and beautiful rooms.
I am so grateful for my son. Because I know his Soul Contract and Human Design, I can clearly see his gifts include supporting others to work through their "stuff" and empowering them, while he himself works through how to channel his emotions and power, with my support.
I am also grateful for the team of friends and practitioners around me, and the skills I have gained to support myself and others to navigate through the mess and into the light.
If you want to take a peak at yourself or your child, so you can have more understanding and compassion, and strategies that actually address the root cause of the issue at hand, I invite you to get in touch.
Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash
This is what unconditional love looks like! You have to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly, while always knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Light at the end of the tunnel
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The light at the end of my tunnel is, having been through it myself, I have a lot of personal experience that I can use to try to understand and support others. For that, I am truly grateful.
And, having done another round of Radical Forgiveness, I realize, had I not had these terrible experiences, had I not experienced adults who did not save or protect me and who could not see past where they were in life, in order to extend themselves to see the light and to stand up and support a child, I may not have grown into the amazing mother that I am today. I may not have been able to notice all these subtle ways that society and people hurt children because they are unable to see the impact of their words, actions, or lack there of. These people in my childhood played these roles in order for me to gain this lesson and to be in a better position as a mom and as an educator, support, and guide for others. This is a gift. And it does make it all worthwhile. I survived, and I am grateful, and now I can choose to stay angry, or to give back. And I choose love.
I choose to share love
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In the words of Radical Forgiveness founder Colin Tipping: "There is nothing to forgive, nothing bad ever happened, this was all for my growth, understanding, and healing". Thank you!
Love and Blessings.
MSc Psychology, Stress and Health
Soul Contract and Human Design Family Dynamics Specialist
You Have A Life Plan